My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
