dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
