I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
