Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
