She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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