so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
