I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
