You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
