we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
