There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
