I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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