i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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