oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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