it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
