there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
