The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
