never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
