I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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