don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
