Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
