You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
