I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
