just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
