did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
