My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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