OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
