Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
