We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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