she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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