Please, let me fuck your mom
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
