During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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