dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
