I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this just has baby written all over it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
