Got a toothbrush?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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