ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
