why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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