you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
