just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
