I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
