My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
