I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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