I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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