i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
