tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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