On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
