No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
