I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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