No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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