when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
