he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
