You're completely useless in the revolution.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
