So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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