good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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